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Breaking Madden: The return of BEEFTANK, the Jaguars' 5-foot, 400-pound quarterback

This Sunday's Broncos-Jaguars appears to be the most one-sided match-up of the 21st century. But not in Madden, where Knowshon Moreno takes the snaps, Peyton Manning is a running back, and human cue ball Clarence BEEFTANK scores at will.<p>This Sunday will be a holiday. Buy some streamers. Actually, …

Breaking Madden

THE GAME.<p>For this game, I played exclusively as the Seahawks. None of the things the Broncos will do below are on account of me. Those are all the computer's fault.<p>First, let's check in on Mom. I love her more than I can say, but she is terrible at football.<p>Among her many other superlatives, she's …

Helping Madden: Give to a charity, and put yourself in the running for a Breaking Madden slot

The season finale of Breaking Madden happens next week, and for the first time ever, we're going to use it as an instrument for good instead of evil. Donate to a charity of your choice, and you'll have a chance to be in the game. Here's how.<p><b>UPDATE: Submissions are now closed. Over 100 of you sent</b> …

Breaking Madden, 49ers vs. Seahawks: BEEFTANK's path to Self

Clarence BEEFTANK is the hero of Breaking Madden, and the lovable little man who started it all. After a three-month absence, he returns for the NFC Championship Game to humiliate the Seahawks, and to discover his very self.<p>"What could I say to you that would be of value, except that perhaps you …

Breaking Madden: Never count out 'Touchdown' Tom Brady

This Saturday, the Patriots will need Tom Brady as never before, so we fired up Madden, made copies of Tom Brady and put them all on the New England offense. It was terrible, and then it was beautiful.<p>Before we do anything else this week, I need to explain the genesis of the most annoying Twitter …

Breaking Madden: Tony Gonzalez, cranky old man of destruction

Tony Gonzalez has not fumbled since 2006. The Redskins' special-teams unit is abjectly miserable. Let's smash the two into each other in Madden, see what happens, and accept that we will create nothing but disaster.<p>Tony Gonzalez is still out there blocking and catching. If he were an offensive …

Breaking Madden: A land where 'offsides' has no meaning

Fumbles are glorious, but over the last few decades, they've been on the decline in the NFL. Let's bring them all back. All at once. And let's destroy as many rules of man and God as we need to.<p>American football historians will tell you that the football, which was once perfectly round, grew oblong …

Breaking Madden: The glorious return of Tecmo Bo Jackson

The legend of Bo Jackson extended to video games. His Tecmo Bowl self remains arguably the greatest athlete in the history of gaming. In this episode, we recreate Bo in Madden NFL 25, and watch him pile up over a mile of rushing yards.<p>Of all the personal heroes I've never actually met, Bo Jackson …

Breaking Madden: Pat McAfee, Destroyer of Worlds

This season, Colts punter Pat McAfee has emerged as a cult hero. In this episode of Breaking Madden, we push his ratings as high as they can go, and find out whether a punter can win a game all by himself.<p>Video games taught me much of what I understood, and misunderstood, about football as a kid. …

Breaking Madden: One team, 46 guys named Johnson

In recent weeks, guys named Johnson have lit up the scoreboard. In this episode of Breaking Madden, we put every Johnson in the NFL on the same team, and we have the GIFs to prove it.<p>Over the last couple weeks, we've seen individuals named Johnson wreak havoc upon the gridiron:<p>In Week 8, Calvin …

Breaking Madden: Brett Favre returns to the Rams, and brings Quincy Carter and friends with him

The Rams reportedly asked 44-year-old Brett Favre if they could talk him out of retirement. Tragically, he said no. Let's create him in Madden, experience his Gunslingin' majesty in GIFs and videos, and give him one last ride into the sunset.<p>Brett Favre sure could throw that ball in his playing …

How to download Breaking Madden rosters, play as BEEFTANK, and wreck some fools

It wouldn't be fair for me to keep BEEFTANK to myself. If you have an Xbox 360, a copy of Madden NFL 25, and an Xbox Live Gold subscription, you can download the rosters you've seen in Breaking Madden. Here's how.<p>Over the last little while, some of y'all have asked me to upload the rosters I've …

Breaking Madden: The Buccaneers and their 44 Greg Schianos

Buccaneers head coach Greg Schiano is off to an 0-6 start. Clearly, he does not have enough of his esteemed "Schiano Men" on his roster. Let's release everyone on the Tampa Bay roster, replace them with copies of Greg Schiano, and have us a nightmare.<p>Here is a brief summary of happenings concerning …

Breaking Madden: Vince Young runs the Texans out of their misery

Houston native Vince Young wants to play football again. The Texans are mired in the dumbest quarterback controversy of the season. Let's put the two together in Madden and see if one man can kill an entire game's worth of clock.<p>So over here, we have Vince Young. He is one of my favorite football …

Breaking Madden: In which the Eagles get drunk and give up 2,400 yards in a single game

The Giants' running game is one of the very worst in the NFL. Let's give them Adrian Peterson and Marshawn Lynch, trash the defensive ratings of their Week 5 opponents, and make Madden NFL 25 so sad and angry it forgets how to count.<p>What are we doing? Who are we fooling?Hell is hot, fire is …

Breaking Madden

 Tweet Share on Twitter Share Share on Facebook Pin Pinterest 63 Comments ⋆ Rec Recommend this Post 6<p>Ah ha ha ha ha look at this guy! He is only the 45th-best quarterback in the world instead of the 10th-best! Ha ha ha ha he is horrible.- Hermann Hesse, <i>Siddhartha</i><p>/checks wall calendar strapped to …

Breaking Madden: Geno Smith goes to Football Hell

It's time to see what Jets rookie Geno Smith is really made of. Let's make Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow his wideouts, create an opposing secondary of seven-foot monsters, and cast him into a Madden 25 footballing nightmare.<p>I am OzymandiasI am a monster guy with a lot of stuffGrrrrrrrrr!Suck it, …

Breaking Madden: Peyton Manning and his offensive line of 160-pound twig-people

For over a decade, the elder Manning brother has been a Madden god. Let's destroy him.<p>Peyton Manning might be the greatest quarterback in the history of football, and last week, the 37-year-old opened his season with one of the greatest single-game performances of all time. He passed for 462 yards …

Breaking Madden: Meet CLARENCE BEEFTANK, the Jaguars' five-foot, 400-pound quarterback

The Jacksonville Jaguars' tenuous quarterback situation is about to enter its second miserable year. Let's fire up Madden 25 and replace Blaine Gabbert with 400 pounds of lightning-quick, tackle-breaking muscle, and see whether he can lead the Jags to victory.<p>Entering the 2013 season, we're listing …