tpanella

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Obama Signs Conservation Act To Preserve Nation’s Last Remaining Area Of Common Ground

WASHINGTON—Taking action to protect the rapidly dwindling vital resource, President Barack Obama signed an executive order Wednesday that would …

Trump Shaping General Election Strategy With Team Of Most Trusted Erratic Impulses

NEW YORK—In a private conference Wednesday in his Trump Tower residence, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump reportedly began shaping his …

Patriots Hoping Emaciated Tom Brady Will End Hunger Strike Over Suspension Appeal In Time For Training Camp

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Despite the severely emaciated quarterback vowing to continue his protest until his four-game suspension is overturned, members of the …

Congress Fiercely Divided Over Completely Blank Bill That Says And Does Nothing

WASHINGTON—A blank piece of legislation that says nothing, does nothing, and contains no text whatsoever has been the source of heated debate in …

Drunk Will Show You, Everybody

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—In response to the shit he knows everyone is saying about him, local resident Todd Stenerud, after a prolonged drinking session, …

NASA Intern Hoping To Go On Space Walk Before He Leaves In June

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Ryan Hodson, 20, an unpaid intern at NASA's Launch Control Center, announced Tuesday that he was confident Kennedy Space Center …

Study: 93% Of People Talked About Once They Leave Room

LOGAN, UT—According to an alarming new study published Monday in the American Journal Of Sociology, the vast majority of Americans are critically …

Torrent Of Soap Issues From Wildly Unexpected Part Of Dispenser

LIMA, OH—A wall-mounted soap dispenser in the men’s bathroom of Rigali’s Pizza Village reportedly startled local resident Sam Milsom on Monday night, …

Man Wearing Sunglasses Upside Down On Back Of Head Still Recovering From Paul Walker’s Death

OCALA, FL—Speaking somberly while staring off into the distance, local resident Mike Budd, a man who regularly wears tinted, wraparound Oakley …

Beyoncé Quickly Releases New Song About How Buying Tidal Subscription Most Empowering Thing A Woman Can Do

NEW YORK—Following on the heels of the surprise release of her new album, <i>Lemonade</i>, over the weekend, Beyoncé unexpectedly debuted a brand-new song …

Report Finds Children Of Parents Often Become Parents Themselves

COLUMBIA, MO—Confirming conventional wisdom on the topic, a report published this week by researchers at the University of Missouri determined that …

Out-Of-Control Angel Kills Dozens Of Bystanders At Vatican Air Show

VATICAN CITY—After botching a high-speed aerial maneuver while flying at low altitude over St. Peter’s Square, an out-of-control angel reportedly …

Seeing Eye Dog Really Blows Off Some Steam In Dog Park

FORT COLLINS, CO—From the moment he was let loose in a local dog park Saturday, golden retriever and licensed Seeing Eye dog Biscuit reportedly blew …

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly …

Equality Win: They’re Finally Putting A Woman On The American Flag

Well, that took long enough.<p>After more than 200 years, Old Glory is getting a long-overdue facelift—and it’s one that will finally celebrate and …

Feminism

Obama Reminds Nation That He’s Taking Personal Day Next Friday

WASHINGTON—After outlining the key issues he intends to address during upcoming talks with Saudi leaders, President Barack Obama took a moment during …

Nation Relieved Insufferable Little ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Don’t Have Book To Lord Over Them This Season

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were unable to convey the full extent of their gratitude that the plot of the hit HBO series had finally surpassed …

Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be Fucking Delusional

SALEM, OR—Sources confirmed that local man Paul Gallagher emailed friends a link to an eight-minute-long YouTube video Wednesday, evidently …

Guy 'Just Giving You A Hard Time' Truly Despises You

RED BANK, NJ—Several coworkers have confirmed that colleague Eric Grasso's daily ribbing stems from a deep-seated hatred of you and everything you …

Meth Actually Not That Bad For You, Report Doctors Dismantling Stereo

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging a growing scientific consensus over the dangers of methamphetamines, a team of doctors frantically prying apart and …

Hundreds Of Cuban Refugees Clinging To Air Force One On Flight Back To U.S.

Military

Georgia Adds Swastika, Middle Finger To State Flag

Breaking: Flight Attendant Currently Attempting To Pass Cup Of Cranberry Juice Over Your Laptop

ATLANTA—Casually holding the drink between her index finger and thumb, a Delta Airlines flight attendant is at this moment trying to pass a cup of …

I Was Skeptical At First, But It Turns Out Those 20 Years Of Solitary Confinement Were Exactly What I Needed

When I first found out I was being transferred to solitary confinement, I was pretty nervous. I’d heard stories about how hard “the box” is for guys …

Time I

The Case For And Against Letting Children Play Video Games

Video games are often cited as a cause of violence or detachment in children. Here are the cases for and against allowing children to play video …

High Level

Defiant Mitch McConnell Holds Merrick Garland’s Severed Head Aloft In Front Of Capitol Building

<i>‘We Meant What We Said,’ Says Blood-Covered Senate Leader</i><p>WASHINGTON—Declaring that the president had been warned about naming a justice during an …

Mitch McConnell

ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down GOP Debate Sound Bites For New Recruitment Video

RUKBAN, SYRIA—Growing increasingly tired and frustrated as they pored through tens of hours of footage packed with usable material, members of the …

Islamophobia

Aisle Of Hispanic Food Items All Man Needs To Know About Fate Of Country

MADEIRA, OH—Shaking his head at the diverse variety of Mexican and Latin American food options being made available to him, area shopper Steve Unger …

Latin America

Area Man Going To Sit Quietly In Darkened Bedroom Until Roommate’s Party Ends

AUSTIN, TX—Saying that he “really doesn’t know anyone out there,” local man Matt Kremer, 24, announced Friday night that he plans on sitting alone …

Living Rooms

Ben Carson Slowly Floats Away From Earth

NATIONAL HARBOR, MD—Steadily sailing higher and higher above the bewildered audience gathered outside at the Gaylord National Resort, Republican …

Ben Carson