The OnionSatire Report: You May Not Remember Mom’s Friend, But Mom’s Friend Sure Remembers Youtheonion.com NASHVILLE, TN—In a new report that reveals she has really enjoyed seeing pictures of you growing up over the years, sources indicated Monday that …
The OnionSatire Teen Could Go For A Big Huff Of Something Right Nowtheonion.com All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
The OnionSatire ‘I Built This,’ Whispers Social Media Manager Beholding His Empire Of Successful Fuddruckers Tweetstheonion.com HOUSTON—Marveling at the glorious majesty of what he had created, social media manager Ryan McCann reportedly whispered “I built this” Monday while …
The OnionSatire Report: Looks Like Ex Gained Some Weight Ever Since They Started Dating Someone Bettertheonion.com GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Suggesting the breakup really left its mark on them, a new report published Monday has concluded that it sure looks like your ex …
The OnionSatire Middle School Boy Assumes Crush Staring Into His Eyes During Slow Dance Waiting For Him To Make Fart Noises With Handstheonion.com LANSING, MI—Encouraged by what he interpreted as “pretty strong signals,” 12-year-old middle school student Brian Foster assumed Friday that Rebecca …
The OnionSatire ‘At Least Someone’s Getting Pregnant,’ Reports Mother-In-Law Watching News Story About Child Bridestheonion.com ITHACA, NY—Watching a new story about the legal loopholes that allow underage American girls to be married off to much older men who have impregnated …
The OnionSatire Business That Supposedly Considers Itself One Big Family Doesn’t Want Employees Bathing Togethertheonion.com ATLANTA—Protesting what they view as glaring hypocrisy, employees at Liberty Point Insurance said they were disheartened Thursday to learn that …
The OnionSatire Dog Takes Pilgrimage To Holy Site Where It Once Found Rotisserie Chicken On Side Of Roadtheonion.com - The Onion COLUMBUS, OH—Compelled by a power greater than himself to leave his beloved home and tread the path of all-surpassing glory, Sawyer, a 4-year-old …
The OnionKellogg Man Starting To Think He Didn’t Win 1995 Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Sweepstakes For Free Trip To Australian Outbacktheonion.com - The Onion PROVIDENCE, RI—Vowing to never give up hope, local man Mark Prasad admitted Tuesday that he’s starting to think he didn’t win the Kellogg’s Frosted …
The OnionSatire Man Who Constantly Brags About How Great He Is At Oral Tragically Good At Ittheonion.com - The Onion
The OnionSatire Report: New Suit, Sir?theonion.com - The Onion SPARKS, MD—In a report suggesting that the boss had come in this morning with an even sharper-than-usual appearance, sources confirmed Monday that …
The OnionSatire Learning To Love Himself Getting Man Out Of A Lot Of Painful Self-Reflectiontheonion.com - The Onion NAMPA, ID—Noting that a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders, newly enlightened man Ken Eaton announced Monday that learning to love himself …
The OnionSatire Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Datingtheonion.com - The Onion ENCINO, CA—According to sources in attendance at the ceremony, area man Daniel Walter was wed Saturday to Kelly Kaminski, a woman he hardly even …
The OnionStanley Tucci Report: On Second Glance Guy On Bus Not Actually Stanley Tuccitheonion.com - The Onion
The OnionHeart Attacks Early Signs Of Heart Attack Mistaken For Runner’s Hightheonion.com All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
The OnionSatire Mom Arrives From Other Room For Semi-Hourly Report On Gametheonion.com PITTSBURGH—Briefly interrupting her weekend cleaning to pop her head into the living room, local mom Shandi Ames arrived from the other room Sunday …
The OnionHeadphones Report: Katelyn To Keep Her Headphones In During Entire 2-Hour Drive To Soccer Gametheonion.com - The Onion
The OnionWalking Woman Walking Through Fall Woods Loves The Sound Of Freshly Fallen Birds Underfoottheonion.com All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
The OnionSatire Woman Holds Off Buying Herself New Headphones So Boyfriend Can Surprise Her With Shittier Version For Her Birthdaytheonion.com ST. LOUIS—Removing the item from her Amazon shopping cart, local server Melanie Avila confirmed Thursday that she was holding off on buying herself …
The OnionSatire Restaurant’s Happy Hour Deals Becoming Increasingly Desperatetheonion.com - The Onion
The OnionSatire Crime Scene Has All The Different Types Of Copstheonion.com - The Onion PORTLAND, ME—After observing one cop barking orders, a second marking off the area with police tape, and a third drawing a chalk outline around a …
The OnionSatire 70-Year-Old Man Worried He Running Out Of Time To Have Kidstheonion.com - The Onion TOPEKA, KS—After spending decades focused solely on his career and then retirement, local 70-year-old man Dennis Lambert was reportedly worried …
The OnionRock Climbing Rock Climber Dies Doing What He Was Kind Of Into For 6 Monthstheonion.com - The Onion
The OnionSatire Man Feels Pressure To Propose After Dating Girlfriend For 3 Years, Buying Ring, Getting Down On One Kneetheonion.com - The Onion VENICE, ITALY—Saying he can tell from the way she’s been looking at him that she clearly expects him to pop the question, local man Dwayne Moyer told …
The OnionSatire Child Pointing Out Cow On Side Of Road Must Think Parents Don’t Have Fucking Eyestheonion.com - The Onion AMERICA CITY, KS—As he peered out the window of his family’s Dodge Caravan and spotted the animal right in the middle of a pasture where nobody could …
The OnionSatire Well, At Least High School Teacher And Student Ended Up Getting Marriedtheonion.com - The Onion RIO RANCHO, NM—Feeling comforted by the news that the scandalous and illicit affair eventually amounted to something, school district sources noted …
The OnionSatire Underprepared Second-Grade Teacher Really Leaning On Class’s Slow Readers To Eat Up Some Clocktheonion.com - The Onion ROCKPORT, ME—Asking everyone to open their books while she honed in on the students who looked the most nervous, underprepared second-grade teacher …
