AuthoritarianismMan’s Existential Terror About Country’s Slide Towards Authoritarianism Sublimated Into Campaign To Get Journalist Firedtheonion.com - The Onion DENVER—In an unconscious effort to channel his panic into a more conducive outlet, local man Erik Johnson had reportedly sublimated his existential …
Humor Lucky Bar Mitzvah Boy Gets To Be Picture For ‘Bar Mitzvah’ Wikipedia Pagetheonion.com - The Onion
Alexa Family Creeped Out By Alexa Playing Back Conversations They Haven’t Even Had Yettheonion.com - The Onion
Humor Gynecologist Inserting IUD Promises Woman It Will Be Just A Quick Pinch And Then She’ll Be On The Floor Unconscioustheonion.com - The Onion ST. LOUIS, MO—Assuring her that the simple procedure would be over before she knew it, area gynecologist Dr. Therese Geiss promised patient Dana …
Humor Man’s Crippling, Overpowering Need To Be Liked By Everyone Apparently Not Affecting His Behaviortheonion.com - The Onion CHICAGO—Despite never once using his supposed people-pleasing nature to help another person, support anyone, or validate someone’s feelings, Chicago …
Humor Area Man Always Thought He’d Squander His Life Differentlytheonion.com - The Onion LAWRENCE, KS—Admitting that he never pictured frittering away his time on Earth in quite this fashion, part-time retail employee Michael Storrs, 34, …
Humor Brother, Sister Have Pretty Good Chemistrytheonion.com - The Onion CHICAGO—Noting that the siblings have “an adorable back-and-forth,” sources confirmed Monday that 22-year-old Dan Callan and his 19-year-old sister …
Humor Entitled Burger King Employee Wants $15 An Hour Just For Dealing With Worst Of America Every Daytheonion.com - The Onion TOLEDO, OH—Appalled by the level of deluded selfishness of millennials in the labor force, citizens expressed shock and disbelief Wednesday at the …
Humor Extremely Effective Therapist Just Lets Patients Beat Shit Out Of Him For 45 Minutestheonion.com - The Onion SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging that some of his clients have to overcome some initial hesitation, cognitive therapist Dr. Daniel Boyer spoke Monday …
Humor Driver Kind Of Bummed To See Other Car He Been Driving Behind For A While Take Exit Off Highwaytheonion.com - The Onion EDISON, NJ—Gazing wistfully at the maroon 2004 Nissan Altima sedan as it put on its right blinker and merged toward an oncoming off-ramp, motorist …
Humor Man Ruthlessly Scolds Other Man Online For Having Opinion He Held Less Than 2 Years Agotheonion.com - The Onion BOSTON—Referring to his fellow anonymous Reddit commenter as “a total stooge,” 25-year-old Brian Gallagher ruthlessly scolded another man online …
Humor Wretched Outcast Woman With Combination Skin Forever Trapped Between Dry And Oily Worldstheonion.com - The Onion BROOKLYN—Doomed to wander the Earth imprisoned by a complexion requiring both mattifying and hydrating products, sources confirmed Monday that …
Humor Hero Coworker Contributes Single Tissue To Water Spill Cleanup Efforts At Next Desktheonion.com - The Onion CINCINNATI—Springing into action within moments of seeing the plastic cup topple over, hero coworker Brian Alvarez contributed a single tissue to the …
Ring of Fire Man Remembers It Summer Solstice After Noticing Group Of Pagans Fucking In Ring Of Fire On Way To Worktheonion.com - The Onion TULSA, OK—Saying he had almost completely forgotten the longest day of the year was approaching, local resident Phil Garrison suddenly remembered it …
Fishing Woman Under Impression She Being Discreet About Fishing Stray Hair Out Of Bratheonion.com - The Onion
Jigsaw Puzzles Exhilarated Woman Discovers Last Person Who Used Jigsaw Puzzle Left Lots Of Pieces Sticking Togethertheonion.com - The Onion SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that a few pieces are even from a difficult single-color section comprising “practically nothing but empty blue sky,” …
Hunger Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offertheonion.com - OnionNews
Babysitting Babysitter Enters Third Hour Of Negotiations To Get 4-Year-Old To Put His Pants Back Ontheonion.com - The Onion IOWA CITY, IA—Deliberately marshaling the last of her patience with the half-naked preschooler in the hopes of reaching a peaceful resolution, …
Turkey Turkish Restaurant Thrown Into Complete Disarray By Entry Of Single Customertheonion.com - The Onion CHICAGO—Evidently perceiving a distinct change in the Turkish restaurant’s atmosphere, dinnertime sources confirmed that eatery Taste Of Istanbul was …
Humor Crime Scene Forensic Investigator Reminds Officers To Stop Shooting At Dead Body Under Sheettheonion.com - The Onion ST. LOUIS—Repeatedly telling them they were interfering with his duties, forensic investigator Albert Correo reminded several police officers at a …
Humor ‘That’s It? What The Heck Was That?’ Says Dad In Scorched-Earth Review Of Movie You Suggested Family Watch Togethertheonion.com - The Onion PHILADELPHIA—Exhaling and rolling his eyes in exasperation as the credits to Listen Up, Phillip rolled, your father said “That’s it? What the heck was …
Humor Veteran Kind Of Surprised Killing All Those People Didn’t Give Him Even A Little PTSDtheonion.com - The Onion FORT WASHINGTON, PA—Expressing disbelief over how well he’s adjusted to civilian life, 33-year-old Marine Corps veteran Aaron Anunoby said Monday he …
Tinder Every Picture On Man’s Tinder Clearly From Same Event Where He Dressed Uptheonion.com - The Onion NEW YORK—After realizing all six images featured the man sporting a blue button-down over a gray blazer, Tinder sources confirmed Monday that every …
Employment Woman Seamlessly Transitions From Being Too Hungry To Focus On Job To Being Too Full To Focus On Jobtheonion.com - The Onion
