Hafiz Tajuddin

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1. Agent Deadpool is never allowed outside the confines of The Fridge without express written consent of the Director and while accompanied by two senior agents.<br>2. Using Agent Fitz’s remote drones to capture personal footage is against S.H.I.E.L.D. policy<br>3. Leaking said the above footage of Agent Deadpool in action is both troublesome and problematic.<p>Your former coworkers who participated in Items 1,2, and 3 announce their unexpected permanent reassignment to The Fridge for “Special Chaperon …

All personnel are reminded that no one in their right mind volunteers for Loki-sitting duty unless they have ulterior motives

All personnel are reminded that no one in their right mind volunteers for Loki-sitting duty unless they have ulterior motives. If you are approached by an agent offering to “give you a rest”, DO NOT ACCEPT. This makes three times that his lady friend Sigyn has helped him escape that way. “She seemed legit” is not an acceptable excuse.<p>If it happens again, the agent responsible will not only get your Loki-sitting time doubled, we will also tell him that you made fun of Sigyn. SHIELD’s insurance …

The agents that decided it would be a good idea to let Loki watch “Groundhog Day” will be assigned turbine cleaning duties for the next…

The agents that decided it would be a good idea to let Loki watch “Groundhog Day” will be assigned turbine cleaning duties for the next month, starting today. Given that we’re all repeating today seemingly without end, that should give you plenty of time to come to a full understanding of exactly why this was a bad idea.

Re: yesterday’s “unpleasantness”:

Re: yesterday’s “unpleasantness”:<p>Lt. Col. Rhodes - I am disappointed, Colonel. I expected better from you.<p>Mr. Stark - I did not expect better from you. However, I am still f***ing pissed.<p>Capt. Rogers - You tried. Next time, try harder.

I don’t care how good-looking your date is, or how important the occasion. You may not have the keys to the helicarrier

I don’t care how good-looking your date is, or how important the occasion. You may not have the keys to the helicarrier.

There is no one who will not understand you if you use modern English

There is no one who will not understand you if you use modern English. If you call anyone a “hep cat” in an incident report, you will be asked to rewrite it.

The House Keeping Department would like to remind all staff to stop sending them “gummed up” wash cloths and any other questionably soile…

The House Keeping Department would like to remind all staff to stop sending them “gummed up” wash cloths and any other questionably soiled linens.<p>They WILL find you.

shieldhumanresourcesdept:

(thank you, latefines for making this)

Thor and Loki are hereby informed that their presentation on the appropriation of pagan fertility symbols into modern holidays – while…

Thor and Loki are hereby informed that their presentation on the appropriation of pagan fertility symbols into modern holidays – while informative - was ill-timed. Easter is always on a Sunday; there is no need for this sh*t to take place during business hours.

When Loki wears his ceremonial helmet, any employee who infers his resemblance to the Easter bunny does so at his or her own risk

When Loki wears his ceremonial helmet, any employee who infers his resemblance to the Easter bunny does so at his or her own risk.<p>That said, I would ask Loki to please turn the basket of eggs in my office back into Agent Wilson.

I would like to remind everyone that captured alien technology is not a toy, and it is imperative that the Chitauri Mind Control device b…

I would like to remind everyone that captured alien technology is not a toy, and it is imperative that the Chitauri Mind Control device be returned to R&D immediately.<p>Incidentally, whoever is responsible for uploading the videos of Agent Romanov clucking and pecking while wearing a chicken costume would be strongly advised to expunge all records and copies immediately. She will find you, and even S.H.I.E.L.D.’s vast resources won’t be able to save you.

All agents-in-training are hereby reminded that Mr

All agents-in-training are hereby reminded that Mr. Stark is not in charge of their training, and any “stealth exercises” he may assign them will most likely get them seriously injured. Therefore, the medical staff will no longer be accepting, “Mr. Stark said it was a good idea,” or “Mr. Stark told me to do it,” as acceptable explanations for injuries.<p>Furthermore, Mr. Stark is strongly encouraged to cease and desist his “stealth exercises” immediately, lest he wish to be assigned one of his own.<p>…

April Fool’s Day Memo - “The S

April Fool’s Day Memo - “The S.H.I.E.L.D Helicarrier is one of the most sophisticated military vehicles on the planet. Any unauthorized use, especially if followed by the phrase "April Fools!”, will result in disciplinary action.<p>On a related note, Mr. Stark WILL be billed for the damages he caused while piloting the Helicarrier. It was not designed to go that low over residential areas, even if it’s over a supermodel’s house.“

Loki is reminded that the Chitauri sceptre no longer belongs to him, and that it should be returned immediately

Loki is reminded that the Chitauri sceptre no longer belongs to him, and that it should be returned immediately.<p>He is also obligated to return agent Barton to his former, uncompromised state once more. We can only rely on agent Romanoff’s violence for so long.<p>Loki is reminded that agent Barton answers to me, and only me, no matter how much you “Miss your little Hawk”.

Let it be known that S.H.I.E.L.D. Command does not condone the actions of last Saturday evening. 

Let it be known that S.H.I.E.L.D. Command does not condone the actions of last Saturday evening.<p>While the Director appreciates that members of the Avengers Initiative, wished to help him celebrate his birthday, we cannot condone the waste of manpower, and time that was required to remove the Director’s personal fighter from the ceiling of the landing bay.<p>We appreciate that Alaska is considered the duct-tape capital of the world, but several manufacturers are now scrambling to cover the sudden …

Be advised that “You’ll never see me coming” is NOT an acceptable 

Be advised that “You’ll never see me coming” is NOT an acceptable<p>RSVP response to Mr. Stark’s office party invitation.<p>S.H.I.E.L.D. is not responsible for any outbursts of<p>“good old fashioned revenge” that this the use of this phrase<p>triggers on the part of Mr. Stark.

Loki and Ms

Loki and Ms. Lewis are to cease using the PA system to blast “Slytherin Night” under the pretense of expressing their house pride. They are also to stop trying to convince the junior agents to emulate the song lyrics. Encouraging them is detrimental to productivity and general mental health.

All personnel are asked to refrain from giving Loki any form of current media on the grounds of “we wanted to see what ideas he would get”

All personnel are asked to refrain from giving Loki any form of current media on the grounds of “we wanted to see what ideas he would get”. Should any agent be discovered doing so, they shall be given Loki-sitting duty for a month.<p>On a related note, Agents Barton and Wilson, Dr. Banner, and Mr. Stark have until Noon today to get every last Tribble, Mogwai, Fizzgig, and other assorted critters off my boat. Failure in this task will result in the four of them being locked in Loki’s quarters, and …

No matter what Mr. Stark says, Friday is NOT the international holiday “Iron Man Christmas”. 

No matter what Mr. Stark says, Friday is NOT the international holiday “Iron Man Christmas”.<p>No agents will be given vacation or sick days on Friday so you can go see Mr. Stark’s new movie.<p>And to answer your questions now, yes, I have seen the movie - it was good, but could’ve used more of Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.

Agent Wilson, this is your one and only warning - return our stationery, or I can personally guarantee you will never see chimichangas fo…

Agent Wilson, this is your one and only warning - return our stationery, or I can personally guarantee you will never see chimichangas for the rest of your life.

Loki would like to know who is responsible for giving him a new saddle and bridle for Mother’s Day

Loki would like to know who is responsible for giving him a new saddle and bridle for Mother’s Day.<p>I would personally discourage anyone from coming forward as you will probably end up wearing it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.<p>P.S. S.H.I.E.L.D. is not liable for any medical costs resulting from you being into that sort of thing.

Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a…

Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence.<p>As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of …

If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be…

If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under 'Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.<p>If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to …

I do not care if Agent Wilson is annoying, he is a SHIELD Agent, not ‘an infinitely resuable sacrifice to the Allfather’ for Summer…

I do not care if Agent Wilson is annoying, he is a SHIELD Agent, not ‘an infinitely resuable sacrifice to the Allfather’ for Summer Solstice, Autumn Equinox, Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. I don’t care if he says its okay with him, its not okay with me.<p>This means you.<p>Loki.<p>In related news, Loki’s pointy objects privileges have been revoked after this incident and another one involving Agent Wilson and a pencil.<p>Whoever showed Loki 'The Dark Knight’ is sentenced to being new handler for the …

Sir-

Sir-<p>It would seem that all the printers in the building will only print pages saying: “All work and no play makes Fury a dull boy”. IT says they can’t find anything wrong with the system. We would very much appreciate it if whichever Avenger is involved would fix it ASAP. We already have a backlog of reports that will take the better part of the holiday weekend to reprint.

Whoever sent 64 paternity suit letters to Mr. Stark as a Father’s Day present needs to identify themselves to me immediately

Whoever sent 64 paternity suit letters to Mr. Stark as a Father’s Day present needs to identify themselves to me immediately.<p>There will be no disciplinary action. I just need to know where to send the fruit basket.

Brotherly bonding notwithstanding, it is not in the best interests of the Division to have Captain America run up the flag pole to celebr…

Brotherly bonding notwithstanding, it is not in the best interests of the Division to have Captain America run up the flag pole to celebrate the U.S. Flag Day or Independence Day holidays.<p>Thor and Loki are hereby assigned to clean up after Dr. Banner’s most recent Hulk rampage. I expect to find everything repaired, in good order, and clean no later than 2200 hours today. Captain Rogers will be by to perform a white glove inspection at that time.

Submitted by RealmMan

Submitted by RealmMan<p>The Chitauri portal device is not to be used as a garbage disposal.<p>We have better things to do than start an interdimensional war<br>with whom- or whatever is on the other side because someone<br>was too lazy to find a trash can.

A reminder to all agents:  Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is anyone to give Deadpool glitter

A reminder to all agents: Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is anyone to give Deadpool glitter. The next time this happens, the offender will be trussed up and placed on Deadpool’s doorstep to do with what he wants.

The game of “tag” is hereby banned from S.H.I.E.L.D. premises

The game of “tag” is hereby banned from S.H.I.E.L.D. premises.