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Gogglebox creates ‘infinity mirror’ of people watching themselves watching themselves

<b>MILLIONS of people across Britain have set up cameras in their living rooms so they can film themselves watching themselves watching …

Are you a twat? From the new Mash book Arsehole Jamboree www.thedailymash.co.uk/arseholejamboree

Everyone to be given a lump of uranium

DAVID Cameron is to reduce energy prices by giving every household a lump of radioactive material.<p>The unstable isotope will be delivered by …

Middle-aged people obsessed with leather phone cases

BRITAIN’S middle-aged people simply cannot get enough of leather smartphone cases.<p>Research by the Institute for Studies found that 98% of Britons …

New browser knows when you are drunk

A NEW internet browser automatically prevents users doing stupid things due to alcohol.<p>Google Sober is designed to block drink-related online mishaps …

Bob Geldof’s apocalyptic visions for 2014

If you young people thought 2013 was the worst year since the beginning of time, just wait til you get to 2014.<p>You need to act now because the next …

Tattoos must reflect owners’ averageness

<b>TATTOO parlours must use designs that accurately reflect their recipients’ unremarkability.</b><p>The new ruling was introduced after a bitter divorcee used …

Pensioners incapable of pronouncing ‘chorizo’

<b>ELDERLY people cannot say chorizo without inserting a ‘t’ sound, it has emerged.</b><p>New research claims the spicy sausage has become part of the UK’s …

Putting heating on ‘like a bereavement’

<b>TURNING the heating on after the summer is as traumatic as losing a reasonably well-liked relative, it has been claimed.</b><p>The Institute for Studies …

Office ‘best wishes’ card signed by five million people

POLICE are trying to trace the recipient of a card signed by an estimated 5,000,000 workers across the UK.<p>The card has been passed from desk to desk …

Facebook to become fully automated

FACEBOOK is to replace users’ boring posts with exciting fictional versions.<p>After complaints that the site had become mired in dull personal details, …

Food intolerances linked to inability to shut your face

PEOPLE who believe they are intolerant to certain foods have been advised to stop going on about it.<p>Researchers at the Institute for Studies found …

British Humour

NSA doesn’t bother monitoring Bing

<b>AMERICA’S National Security Agency has confirmed that its near-omniscient web surveillance doesn’t include search engine Bing.</b><p>The Microsoft service …

Gullible people hit compensation jackpot yet again

GULLIBLE people are to receive yet another compensation payment after taking out insultingly worthless credit card insurance.<p>The £1.3 billion …

Woman tells sad story then has photo taken on park bench

<b>A WOMAN has revealed her anguish, heartbreak and anger before posing on a park bench.</b><p>The story was told in a series of devastating paragraphs which …

Hyperloop ‘not viable because of flatulence’

TRAVELLERS on a planned ‘tubular transportation system’ would be suffocated by human wind, it has been claimed.<p>PayPal billionaire Elon Musk’s designs …

Do bacon next, scientists told

<b>SCIENTISTS who grew a burger in a lab have been ordered to get cracking on bacon next.</b><p>The synthetic burger was sampled by food critics who declared …

That flower was gagging for it, says bee

A BEE has described giving a good-looking purple flower the pollinating of its life.<p>Bumble bee Tom Logan didn’t even know the flower’s Latin name.<p>He …

Formula One is rubbish, admits Ecclestone

BERNIE Ecclestone has confessed that Formula One is bollocks and he’s sick of looking at it.<p>The world’s longest midlife crisis has spent the last 30 …

‘Comic book universe’ takes about two hours to create

A COMPLETE ‘comic book universe’ that can be made into graphic novels and films takes about two hours to create, it has emerged.<p>Speaking at …

Archbishop admits he hasn’t read bit in Bible about moneylenders

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has admitted that the Bible story of Jesus and the moneylenders is still on his ‘to-do’ list.<p>As the head of the Church …

Tour de France winner accused of not being Bradley Wiggins

THE British winner of yesterday’s Tour de France is not Bradley Wiggins, it has been claimed.<p>Close examination of the winner revealed him not to be …

Royal baby to be named ‘Chunky’

<b>THE royal baby is to be named Chunky, regardless of its gender, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have confirmed.</b><p>The couple chose the name from a …

Royal Babies