So. Damn. Funny.

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My mission to ruin a $250 Wagyu steak nearly destroyed my family

This is a story about me and a steak. A 24-oz. A5 Wagyu ribeye steak, to be more specific. If you’re unaware of the hierarchy of beef, this is the …

BBQ

Mexico Agrees to Pay for Trump’s Psychiatric Care

MEXICO CITY (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to resolve the seemingly intractable conflict over immigration, Mexico surprised the world on Thursday by agreeing to pay for Donald J. Trump’s psychiatric care.<p>Speaking to reporters, the Mexican President, Enrique Peña Nieto, said that he had authorized …

Delete These iPhone Apps and Return to a Simpler Way of Life

<i>This year, I vowed to live a life less basic, by getting back to the basics. I’m making every effort to use my iPhone for only its essential purpose—and you should, too. Here’s how:</i><p><b>Delete Facebook and Twitter</b><br>I’ve read that the creators of these social-media platforms don’t even allow their own …

Plan To Straighten Out Entire Life During Weeklong Vacation Yields Mixed Results

MANCHESTER, NH–Returning to work after seven days off, Derek Olson, 31, confessed Monday that his plan to use his weeklong vacation to straighten out …

Man attempts to slide down tube escalator, instantly regrets life choices

It may have looked cool in <i>Skyfall</i>, but in real life sliding down a London tube escalator is far, far less glamorous.<p>This was perfectly demonstrated …

Office Secret Santa Guidelines for 2017

Dear Colleagues,<p>It’s that time of year again — time for our Secret Santa Office Party! You may remember that for the past eight years, we called it the Office Gift Exchange, but now that we can legally say “Merry Christmas,” let’s go for it and say Secret <i>Santa</i>!<p>We wanted to share with you some …

I Am Sorry for This Scraggly Mess on My Face

I apologize for my beard. Not only because it is terrible — thin, patchy and asymmetrical — but also because it is inexplicable. Many people have asked me why I grew it, and most of those people are my wife, and to them and to her I say: I don’t know. I’m sorry.<p>Before my beard I had just a …

Monologue: I’m Diana From Anne of Green Gables and I am Fucking Drunk

Holy shit holy shit holy shit. That cordial was <i>cor-dialllll</i>, right, Anne? Anne? ANNE! ANNNNNEEEEEEE! Hahahahah, oh my god I’m just here like …

“The red dragon ain’t no evil": the Chinese government keeps releasing bizarre rap videos

“Party building key, reform for y'all.”<p>The Chinese government has been quietly releasing bizarre propaganda rap videos, and they’re absolutely hilarious.<p>From a video claiming to tell foreigners the truth about China (“The red dragon ain’t no evil, but a peaceful place!”) to a People’s Liberation …

Steve Bannon Mixes Discarded Climate Change Report With Saliva To Build Final Wall Of Nest

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the president’s chief strategist had been observed scuttling around the residence to gather materials, White House aide …

I Work from Home

911 OPERATOR: 911—what’s your emergency?<p>ROBERT: Hi, I . . . uh . . . I work from home.<p>OPERATOR: O.K., is anyone else there with you, sir?<p>ROBERT: No, I’m alone.<p>OPERATOR: And when’s the last time you saw someone else? Was that today?<p>ROBERT: Uh, my wife . . . this morning, I guess.<p>OPERATOR: Anyone …

A guide to giving your cats their annual performance review

As the year draws to a close, it’s time to sit down with your cats and give them feedback on how they’ve been performing. To help you prepare for the …

Louis C.K. JFK Airport

Snoop Dogg's 2016 recap is a thing of beauty

2016, on the whole, can do one. Whether it was the death of Bowie or the birth of Brexit, the slow motion car crash of the presidential election and …

Louis C.K. Is All In For Hillary - CONAN on TBS

#BLAXIT: More Things We’re Taking With Us If We Leave

This country is ungrateful as hell. You know good and damb well Black folks built this thing with our blood and sweat, literally. Now you wanna treat …

Serena Williams

You know what? *backs away* I don't actually need any cheese. *backs away* https://t.co/DVR44znIxY

How To Sleep Train A Selfish Baby

When you have a new child, you have only one priority in life, one that takes precedence over procuring food, finding a job, or anything else: …

The bible has been translated into emojis

It was inevitable: The bible has been updated for the 21st century with a new... <i>emoji</i> translation. According to <i>The Guardian</i>, an anonymous translator, who prefers to be identified only by 😎, reworked the King James Version of the bible using unicode emoji, as well as common internet abbreviations …

Doomsday Clock Pushed To One Minute To Midnight After Arby’s Threatens Launch Of 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt

CHICAGO—Reacting to the fast-food chain’s increasingly alarming marketing language Tuesday, the Science and Security Board of the <i>Bulletin Of The</i> …

Call Me Crazy

I hereby uninvent the conference call. That’s right, there is now no means by which six or twenty or—God forbid—a hundred people can all meet and discuss a topic over the phone. Personally, I feel like that brief sentence alone should be enough for anyone to pause and think, Multiple people trying …

Swimming Pools

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck

In my life, I have given a fuck about many people and many things. I have also <i>not</i> given a fuck about many people and many things. And those fucks I …

Neil Gaiman

January 10th, 2015 at 1:44PM<p>murryjdouglass-deactivated20180 asked: I have been trying to write for a while now. I have all these amazing ideas, but …

Sitters Vs. Standers – The Great Wipe Hope

Today, we bring you a very special anthropological study that painstakingly details the bathroom finishing habits of the modern American male. …