So. Damn. Funny.

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Office Secret Santa Guidelines for 2017

Dear Colleagues,<p>It’s that time of year again — time for our Secret Santa Office Party! You may remember that for the past eight years, we called it the Office Gift Exchange, but now that we can legally say “Merry Christmas,” let’s go for it and say Secret <i>Santa</i>!<p>We wanted to share with you some …


I Am Sorry for This Scraggly Mess on My Face

I apologize for my beard. Not only because it is terrible — thin, patchy and asymmetrical — but also because it is inexplicable. Many people have asked me why I grew it, and most of those people are my wife, and to them and to her I say: I don’t know. I’m sorry.<p>Before my beard I had just a …

Monologue: I’m Diana From Anne of Green Gables and I am Fucking Drunk

Holy shit holy shit holy shit. That cordial was <i>cor-dialllll</i>, right, Anne? Anne? ANNE! ANNNNNEEEEEEE! Hahahahah, oh my god I’m just here like …

“The red dragon ain’t no evil": the Chinese government keeps releasing bizarre rap videos

“Party building key, reform for y'all.”<p>The Chinese government has been quietly releasing bizarre propaganda rap videos, and they’re absolutely hilarious.<p>From a video claiming to tell foreigners the truth about China (“The red dragon ain’t no evil, but a peaceful place!”) to a People’s Liberation …


Steve Bannon Mixes Discarded Climate Change Report With Saliva To Build Final Wall Of Nest


I Work from Home

911 OPERATOR: 911—what’s your emergency?<p>ROBERT: Hi, I . . . uh . . . I work from home.<p>OPERATOR: O.K., is anyone else there with you, sir?<p>ROBERT: No, I’m alone.<p>OPERATOR: And when’s the last time you saw someone else? Was that today?<p>ROBERT: Uh, my wife . . . this morning, I guess.<p>OPERATOR: Anyone …


A guide to giving your cats their annual performance review

As the year draws to a close, it’s time to sit down with your cats and give them feedback on how they’ve been performing. To help you prepare for the …


Louis C.K. JFK Airport

Snoop Dogg's 2016 recap is a thing of beauty

2016, on the whole, can do one. Whether it was the death of Bowie or the birth of Brexit, the slow motion car crash of the presidential election and …

Snoop Dogg

Louis C.K. Is All In For Hillary - CONAN on TBS

#BLAXIT: More Things We’re Taking With Us If We Leave

This country is ungrateful as hell. You know good and damb well Black folks built this thing with our blood and sweat, literally. Now you wanna treat …

Mo Farah

You know what? *backs away* I don't actually need any cheese. *backs away*

How To Sleep Train A Selfish Baby

The bible has been translated into emojis

It was inevitable: The bible has been updated for the 21st century with a new... <i>emoji</i> translation. According to <i>The Guardian</i>, an anonymous translator, who prefers to be identified only by 😎, reworked the King James Version of the bible using unicode emoji, as well as common internet abbreviations …


Doomsday Clock Pushed To One Minute To Midnight After Arby’s Threatens Launch Of 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt


Call Me Crazy

I hereby uninvent the conference call. That’s right, there is now no means by which six or twenty or—God forbid—a hundred people can all meet and discuss a topic over the phone. Personally, I feel like that brief sentence alone should be enough for anyone to pause and think, Multiple people trying …


The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck

In my life, I have given a fuck about many people and many things. I have also <i>not</i> given a fuck about many people and many things. And those fucks I …


Neil Gaiman

January 10th, 2015 at 1:44PM<p>joseph-the-mop-blog asked: I have been trying to write for a while now. I have all these amazing ideas, but its really …

Sitters Vs. Standers – The Great Wipe Hope