The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Hollis Miller

Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady )
Well, you're up early.
-Me, greeting my children every morning since they were born
Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall )
"I'm Uranus, I'm on fire. It's your desire."
-my 7yo's rendition of "Venus"
Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad )
Making breakfast for a child:
Step 1: take order.
Step 2: make whatever you want because they're going to hate it & you'll end up eating it.
MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable )
Kids need to come with a warning label that says: If you can read this you're too close to the wild animals.
Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite )
You haven't truly known panic until you let a 2 year old squeeze her own toothpaste.
Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4 )
If your child gives you the silent treatment, that's called a parenting win.
Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma )
If you've never attempted to lock yourself in a closet, you probably don't have kids.
MyMomologue (@MyMomologue )
Invite a pack of wild dogs into your house.
Feed them angel hair pasta.
This is what having children is like.
Simon Holland (@simoncholland )
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh )
How do you spell regret?
P L A Y- D O H
Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder )
I'm guessing that the people who think they know EVERYTHING are also the ones who haven't had kids yet.
Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs )
A year ago today my son tried to order "the penguin" off this menu.
Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama )
My toddler wanted to have an argument about who pooped in the diaper she was wearing.
And it was the least crazy thing she did all day.
Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins )
Parenting is great if you like being woken up on a weekend morning to plunge a clogged toilet.
Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara )
"How many times do cats blink in a day?" and other urgent questions your child HAS to know the answer to at bedtime.
The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal )
Show me a parent who says they haven’t been curious if their baby is a genius at least once and I'll show you a liar.
MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles )
Just had an argument with 4yo about whether or not she can have a snack while on the toilet, in case you were wondering what kids are like.
Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork )
I'm truly looking forward to the day when I don't have to remind another human being to wash her hands after dropping a deuce.
Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom )
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon
2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried )
I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother )
Potty training is a great reminder as to why I didn’t become a motivational speaker.
Dad's Take (@DadsTake )
[cleaning pee off my 3yo and...everywhere]
Me: I didn't sign-up for this.
Life: Yes, yes you did. This is exactly what you signed up for.