Hollywood blockbuster mashups better than Men in Black v 21 Jump Street
If Sony’s plan to unite sharp-suited alien hunters with baby-faced narcs can get the green light, what else might studio suits be cooking up?
April Fools’ Day may have been two weeks ago, but there’s no need to dip into the realms of fantasy tomfoolery to find Hollywood mashup movie ideas just as preposterous as Batman v Bananaman. On Wednesday at CinemaCon in Las Vegas, Sony confirmed plans for a Men in Black/21 Jump Street crossover film, leading us to wonder what other famous franchises might prosper from being clumsily fudged together in the name of box office greenbacks.
Star Trek v Star Wars
Finally we know why JJ Abrams refused to sign for a follow-up to The Force Awakens. He’s been waiting for the chance to pitch Spock against Kylo Ren in a true clash of the pompous space opera titans. Just imagine it: the dark side of the Force v red matter, setting phasers to stun Yoda’s Force ghost, and perhaps a right royal smackdown between battling armies of ewoks and tribbles. Now who wouldn’t pay to see that? And at least Jar Jar Binks would finally have a rival for Hollywood history’s most pointless and irritating space creature in the shape of Simon Pegg’s testicle-faced sidekick from the Abrams reboot movies.
The Twilight Saga: Ghostbusters
Fed up with sparkly skinned British vampires and pretty CGI werewolves ruining their perfectly well-adjusted, if slightly weepy and lovelorn teenage daughters’ future by impregnating them with undead devil babies, the people of the sleepy town of Forks, Washington, know exactly who to call. Melissa McCarthy and the all-female team of Ghostbusters from Bridesmaids director Paul Feig’s upcoming remake rock up in the Ecto-1 and swiftly suck up all the available hunky supernatural boy band types into their natty ghost traps, leaving moviegoers and feminists everywhere to breathe a huge sigh of relief.
James Bond: Mission Impossible
Her Majesty’s No 1 super-spy is sent to help out Ethan Hunt’s Impossible Missions Force (IMF) after Ernst Stavro Blofeld escapes from prison in London and resurfaces in New York. Bond is horrified at the greater technology and resources available to his American counterpart, while Hunt swiftly becomes pretty unimpressed with 007’s determination to sleep with every female member of his carefully recruited IMF team within minutes of meeting them, not to mention the manner in which at least a third of these passing paramours subsequently wind up dead. Set against the backdrop of a swanky New York opera house, Bond and Hunt turn on each other and engage in a mask-ripping battle of such rabid intensity that both of them eventually suffers extreme identity amnesia. The evil Blofeld contentedly scoops up both brain dead, drooling spies in his supercool bad guy helicopter and drops them down the nearest industrial chimney.
Alien vs Ted
Foul-mouthed misogynist, transphobic, magically alive teddy bear Ted turns out to be pretty much immortal, and is therefore still alive in the 22nd century. Bereft of finances after long-term buddy Mark Wahlberg failed to wake up from a cannabis coma some time in the year 2059, he is a blue-collar worker on board the space freighter Nostromo when the ship’s captain decides to investigate a distress signal from a distant colony which has quite obviously been overrun by acid-blooded extra-terrestrial monstrosities from the seventh layer of Hades. Poor Ted is ripped into tiny teddy bear pieces as Wahlberg finally comes to on Earth and begins numbly reciting the words to the Thunder Buddies song.
Beverly Hills Cop meets Jaws
Street-smart Detroit detective Axel Foley is seconded to a picturesque seaside resort in Martha’s Vineyard where it quickly becomes clear he is not the only fish out of water. When the town’s summer season is threatened by reports of a huge great white in the area, Foley teams up with hoary old shark hunter Quint and everyman local police chief Martin Brody in a daring attempt to catch the monstrous killer. In a thrilling final scene, he uses his potty-mouthed schtick to trick the giant fish into chomping down on a partially submerged electricity cable, then reveals to his amazed companions that the shark was deliberately imported by evil Mayor Vaughn in order to provide the perfect smokescreen for a coastal drug smuggling operation. As the enormous fish sinks beneath the waves, bags of cocaine begin to float the surface and the distinct chords of an ingenious shanty song a cappella version of Harold Faltermeyer’s Axel F can be heard ushering in the final credits. ■