Paul Boeckelmann

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Out-Of-Control Angel Kills Dozens Of Bystanders At Vatican Air Show

VATICAN CITY—After botching a high-speed aerial maneuver while flying at low altitude over St. Peter’s Square, an out-of-control angel reportedly …

Air Shows

New SeaWorld Show Just Elephant Drowning In Large Tank Of Water With No Explanation

ORLANDO, FL—Noting that the show had simply appeared on the park’s schedule last week without an announcement or fanfare of any kind, visitors to …

SeaWorld

Pathetic 4-Year-Old Needs Father To Stand On Merry-Go-Round Platform For Entire Ride

SARATOGA, NY—Completely embarrassing himself in front of dozens of visitors to the park as well as his fellow riders, pathetic 4-year-old Jeremy …

Sitting

Sex Ed Vs. Abstinence-Only Education

Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide

WASHINGTON, DC—The six-millennia-old sky-father deity Yahweh, worshiped by Christians, Muslims and Jews alike for His alleged all-knowing compassion …

U.S. Department of Justice

Goals Of The U.N. General Assembly

• Have everyone go around and say their name and why they want to end global poverty<br>• Donate millions of sympathetic words to refugee populations fleeing …

United Nations

Delirious Rover Hallucinates Water On Mars

PASADENA, CA­—More than one year into the automated motor vehicle’s exploration of Mars’ arid Gale Crater, NASA scientists confirmed Friday that the …

Historians Admit To Inventing Ancient Greeks

WASHINGTON—A group of leading historians held a press conference Monday at the National Geographic Society to announce they had "entirely fabricated" …

Ancient History

EPA Study: Rivers Shouldn't Smell Like Shit

WASHINGTON—A study released Monday by the Environmental Protection Agency concluded that rivers should never smell like shit, noting that when …

EPA

Mannequin Must Think He’s Some Pretty Hot Shit

EAST GARDEN CITY, NY—Speculating that he probably believes he looks all cool in his hip little outfit, patrons at the Roosevelt Field Shopping Mall …

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s …

Anarchism

The Pros And Cons Of Gun Control

While anti-violence activists continue to push for stricter gun laws including an all-out ban on assault weapons, gun advocates have dug in their …

Guns

So-Called Christian Has Erection

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Alarmed and appalled sources confirmed today that in complete defiance of his biblical duty to live a life that is holy and …

Faith

Broncos Quietly Bury Peyton Manning In Unmarked Grave Next To Stadium

DENVER—Standing solemnly next to the patch of ground where the veteran quarterback’s body lay, members of the Denver Broncos organization quietly …

NFL

John Roberts Delivers Finishing Blow To Stephen Breyer To Defend Title Of Chief Justice

WASHINGTON—Finishing off the judicial pragmatist with his signature Flying Hammer Of Precedent, John Roberts reportedly dove from atop the Supreme …

Stephen Breyer

Man On Vacation Suddenly Realizes No One Feeding His Hostages

KEY WEST, FL—Midway through his weeklong Florida vacation, Salt Lake City resident Travis Lawson reportedly panicked today upon suddenly realizing he …

Key West

Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out U.S. Assholes

Citizens across Mexico hope that the new Asshole Wall will stem the tide of assholes that visit from the US each year to aggressively drink, vomit.

Immigration

‘I’m Trump All The Way,’ Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to statements made Monday by local resident David Kearney, a 36-year-old delivery driver who will die in a fireworks mishap …

Government

Ben Carson Slowly Floats Away From Earth

NATIONAL HARBOR, MD—Steadily sailing higher and higher above the bewildered audience gathered outside at the Gaylord National Resort, Republican …

Ben Carson

The Case For And Against Letting Children Play Video Games

Video games are often cited as a cause of violence or detachment in children. Here are the cases for and against allowing children to play video …

High Level

Georgia Adds Swastika, Middle Finger To State Flag

Meth Actually Not That Bad For You, Report Doctors Dismantling Stereo

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging a growing scientific consensus over the dangers of methamphetamines, a team of doctors frantically prying apart and …

Methamphetamine

Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be Fucking Delusional

SALEM, OR—Sources confirmed that local man Paul Gallagher emailed friends a link to an eight-minute-long YouTube video Wednesday, evidently …

Internet

Nation Relieved Insufferable Little ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Don’t Have Book To Lord Over Them This Season

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were unable to convey the full extent of their gratitude that the plot of the hit HBO series had finally surpassed …

TV Series

Obama Reminds Nation That He’s Taking Personal Day Next Friday

WASHINGTON—After outlining the key issues he intends to address during upcoming talks with Saudi leaders, President Barack Obama took a moment during …

Barack Obama

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly …

Secret Service

Report Finds Children Of Parents Often Become Parents Themselves

COLUMBIA, MO—Confirming conventional wisdom on the topic, a report published this week by researchers at the University of Missouri determined that …

University of Missouri

Beyoncé Quickly Releases New Song About How Buying Tidal Subscription Most Empowering Thing A Woman Can Do

NEW YORK—Following on the heels of the surprise release of her new album, <i>Lemonade</i>, over the weekend, Beyoncé unexpectedly debuted a brand-new song …

New Singles

Man Wearing Sunglasses Upside Down On Back Of Head Still Recovering From Paul Walker’s Death

OCALA, FL—Speaking somberly while staring off into the distance, local resident Mike Budd, a man who regularly wears tinted, wraparound Oakley …

Sunglasses

Study: 93% Of People Talked About Once They Leave Room

LOGAN, UT—According to an alarming new study published Monday in the American Journal Of Sociology, the vast majority of Americans are critically …

Psychology