McSweeney's Internet Tendency

181 Added | 1 Magazine | 65 Followers | @McSweeneysFlip | The humor website of McSweeney's Publishing. 

Welcome to MidWestworld

Welcome to MidWestworld, a theme park unlike any other where all your wildest dreams can come true. Through exacting terraforming, we’ve replicated …

Mickey Mouse

The Diary of a Settler of Catan

March 3Yesterday, after three fortnights at sea, we made landfall in Catan. Here we will make our new lives. Upon stepping off the boat we fell to …

Settlers of Catan

List: Who Said It: Middle-Aged Woman or Teenage Boy?

1. “If I’m an asshole it’s only because I’m under siege from my hormones.”2. “Yes, I’m eating again. Stop judging me. I’m growing.”3. “My jacket only …

Middle Age

The First Female President

The first female president will be bald. This will be permissible, as President Dwight D. Eisenhower went completely bald during his first …

Democratic National Convention

My Commute and Workday as Described By Ancient Poets

7:20 AM – Homer<p>Sing, O Goddess, of the anger of Gordon, of House Brown, that wrought curses at the jackass who goes thirty in a forty-five! And which …

Literature

How to Pay Taxes On Your Emotional Labor

A lot of us struggle to figure out how to pay taxes on the compensation we’ve earned. For women especially, we perform a lot of emotional labor — the …

Retirement

List: Samuel Beckett Responds to Messages I Received on Tinder

<i>hi babe u r hot</i>“God knows I’m not intelligent, otherwise I’d be dead.”- - -<i>how’s your day going?</i>“Incontinent the void. The zenith. Evening again. …

Samuel Beckett

Open Letter: An Open Letter to Those Who Want to Liberate Me From Wearing My Hijab

Dear Neofeminist, Lipstick Feminist (and every feminist in between), Politician, Activist, College Professor, Pseudo-Intellectual, and The Lady …

San Francisco

The Sea is My Mistress. Please Don’t Tell My Wife

Maybe it’s these rum drinks giving me out-sized confidence but I have to confess something: I’m having an affair.The sea is my mistress. And you have …

Relationships

Satan Informs His Devil’s Advocates That Their Services Are No Longer Needed

To all Devil’s Advocates:I, Satan, regret to inform you that, after careful consideration, I am terminating all contracts with the freelance Devil’s …

Sexual Harassment

GOP Retirement Announcement Template

My <b>constituents / fellow Americans / comrades in the Kremlin</b>, serving you has been the greatest <b>privilege / honor / cash cow</b> of my life. But with …

Roy Moore

List: Horoscopes for Librarians

AquariusPrepare to attract a lot of attention this week, when you are left crushed and screaming in the stacks on the 3rd floor. Remember that the …

Astrology

Sex Tips From a Woman in a Cialis Commercial

We all know it’s hard out there for a woman. Between pap smears, probiotic yogurt, and finding a deodorant that won’t leave white streaks on a little …

RPGs

Monologue: I’m a Woman On Vacation Doing Yoga and Why the Hell Did I Do This to Myself?

It’s 6 AM on the third day of my vacation in this Instagram-perfect corner of Southeast Asia but instead of sleeping peacefully I have stretched …

Yoga

Fifty-Six Questions for Young MC Upon Hearing “Bust a Move” for the First Time in Twenty-Two Years

1. Do you think maybe us fellas are running into trouble precisely because we’re trying to do what those ladies tell us instead of simply being …

Wedding Planning

Melania Trump Explains the Stormy Daniels Controversy to Barron Using Pagan Slovenian Mythology

Sit down, Barron. You may have been hearing stories about a witch with feet turned backwards named Stormy. I know that many colleagues from school …

Stormy Daniels

Excerpts from My Upcoming Novel, Ready Player Two: Girl Stuff

“Wow, Felicity,” he said. My Internet name was Felicity, after the coolest American girl doll. “I never met someone who knew so much about …

David Bowie

A Brief Oral History of Babe Ruth Claiming His Bat Was a Wizard’s Staff

<i>“The Sultan of Swat.” “The Great Bambino.” “The Plus-Sized Pinstriped Prince.” In a historic career, Babe Ruth broke many records, including becoming</i> …

Baseball

The Kushner Family Passover Haggadah, 2018 Edition

INTRODUCTIONWelcome to our Passover Seder! The history of the Jewish people reaches back nearly 4,000 years. We began as slaves in the land of Egypt …

Christianity

Updated Sinclair Broadcast Group Anchor Script

<i>“On local news stations across the United States last month, dozens of anchors gave the same speech to their combined millions of viewers. It</i> …

Journalism

List: Prestigious MFA Programs as Guys You’ve Met on Tinder

<b>Iowa</b><br>I spend my evenings in a plush velvet housecoat, drinking a hot toddy, and reading in the library. Our first date would be dinner by candlelight, …

Typography

What to Do If Your Favorite Indie Band Goes Mainstream

Option 1Denounce their entire catalog. Declare them corporate shills, forever dead in your eyes.Option 2Continue to listen to them, but only their …

New Albums

Email Sign-Offs Employers Will Fire You For, Especially If You Happen to Be a Woman

Jennifer, a junior associate at McQuillbee Law, was on the partner track until she closed an email with the word “Best.” “Pretty abrasive,” said Tim …

Time I

Everything You Need to Know Before the Premiere of World War III

With seemingly every series from the last century being rebooted or expanded, it’s no surprise that the most popular franchise of all time, <i>The World</i> …

History

I’ll Ping You

I’ll ping you. It’s on my calendar to ping you this morning but I am on a conference call so may not get to pinging you until this afternoon. …

Roy Lichtenstein

Oh, the Shit You’ll Do After You’re Tenured!

We regret to inform you:<br>Today’s not your day<br>Though you’ve sweated and labored<br>Every August through MayYou have brains in your head<br>And a CV for …

Memes

We Must Reduce Government Spending On Everything Except Our Luxury Office Renovation

<i>“Interior Department spending $139,000 to upgrade doors in Secretary Zinke’s office.” — Chicago Tribune</i>“Ben Carson’s HUD Spent $31,000 on a …

Ben Carson

What is Blip and Why is Everybody Talking About It?

<b>What is Blip and why is everybody talking about it?</b><br>Blip is a new social-networking app featuring all manner of blips. But what makes it different …

Social Media

List: What Your Favorite Website Says About You

<b>Etsy.com:</b> You’ve gotten into a fist fight over a throw pillow.<b>NPR.org:</b> You’ve quoted David Foster Wallace while making love.<b>OkCupid.com:</b> You’ve dated …

Samsung Galaxy

I’m Going to Close This Deal Using Business Words I’ve Heard Men Yell in Airports

Thanks for hopping on this call today, gentleman. Who just joined? Did someone just join? I only have a few minutes before I board my plane, so I’m …

Home Depot