Mavis Murdock

75 Added | 2 Magazines | 8 Followers | @MavisMurdock | Keep up with Mavis Murdock on Flipboard, a place to see the stories, photos, and updates that matter to you. Flipboard creates a personalized magazine full of everything, from world news to life’s great moments. Download Flipboard for free and search for “Mavis Murdock”

In Response to Our Beach’s Increased Number of Shark Attacks, We Will Be Arming Lifeguards With Sharks of Their Own

Our beach has recently experienced an unprecedented increase in deadly shark attacks and, as such, we’ve been forced to look for solutions. A …

Common Sense

My Skills as a Psychiatrist are Definitely Just as Powerful as an AR-15

As yet another tragedy unfolds, I’m so appreciative that someone has finally been brave enough to mention the topic of mental health. Because that’s …

Mental Health

Monologue: I’m Just a Misunderstood Marbled Crayfish (Overlord) Who is Certainly Not Planning World Domination

<i>“Before about 25 years ago, the species simply did not exist. A single drastic mutation in a single crayfish produced the marbled crayfish in an</i> …

Google Docs

I Was On the Fence About the Homophobic Pedophile Senate Candidate, But It Turns Out He Also Thinks Slavery is Okay

When you come across a U.S. Senate candidate who also happens to be a homophobic pedophile, you can either immediately reject them or hear out the …

Homophobia

We’re So Old

Oh my god, we are so old. You know how some people are young? We’re not, we’re old.I just can’t get over how old we are. Who ever thought we’d be in …

Brie

Dante’s Nine Circles of Hell, Reimagined for Linguistic Transgressions

First Circle (Limbo):<br>AutocorrectHere wander the otherwise virtuous souls who were forced into grievous errors by autocorrect programs. They sit in …

Language

List: Everything You Know About Me, the Asian Character You’re Not Falling In Love With In a Hollywood-Produced Romantic Film/TV Show

1. I’m quiet.2. I wear glasses.3. I look really similar to Matt Damon.4. I’m good at solving math problems.5. If I’m a woman, I’m exoticized. If I’m …

Love

List: Academic Job Market or Terminal Illness?

1. “I understand if you don’t want to talk about it.”2. “Are you ready to think about alternatives?”3. “You’ll land on your feet, I’m sure of it.”4. …

Employment

Vampire Transformation Leave Policy

So you’ve done the hard work of selecting a viable candidate for immortality, and now you want to take some time off from your regular coven duties …

Paid Leave

Just to Be Clear, the Witch-King of Angmar Was an Insignificant Volunteer in the Great Army of the Dark Lord Sauron

Thank you for joining us today, Middle-earth media. I’d like to start today’s briefing by addressing the recent news of the Witch-King’s indictment. …

Movies

List: Confusing Attire Instructions On Your Next Wedding Invitations

Upper West Side farmhouseWinter heatwaveExtreme black tieClosed Rust Belt factoryHypodermic needle beach casualLong Island race trackSeminude …

Manhattan

SEE AMERICA NOW: Travel & Tourism Posters for a 2017 America

In 2017, the United States has seen a substantial decline in international tourism. The tourism industry has already reported sharp declines …

Tourism

Real Life with Dick and Jane: A Children’s Primer

Look, it is a cat.<br>Look, Jane.<br>See the cat.<br>The cat is not vaccinated.<br>Can you see, Jane?See, see, see, Jane.<br>Look and see!<br>Do not pet the cat, Jane.The …

Lifestyle

Ernest Goes to Key West

Dear Vern,I have seen war. Made love in the wilderness, rinsed wounds with absinthe, watched friends torn to pieces before dawn. I have seen the best …

Key West

Trump Tweet Mad Libs

<i>Based on real tweets from the 45th President of the United States of America.</i>- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -<i>Download to fill</i> …

U.S. Presidency

List: Quote from Survival Reality Show Naked and Afraid or Regarding President Trump’s Voter Integrity Commission?

1. “It’s fatally flawed from the design.”<p>2. “I would like to know what these ‘tasks’ are, that you think we should all be doing?”<p>3. “We have no …

List: If People Treated Other Illnesses and Injuries Like They Treat Depression

<b>Acne:</b> “Stop complaining it’s not <i>that</i> bad. Once I had a huge pimple right on my face!”<b>Broken nose:</b> “Maybe if you would go <i>outside</i> and get some fresh …

Painkillers
Coffee

Don’t Trust What the Fake News Media Says About Cersei Lannister

Okay, look, the mainstream media in Westeros was never going to give Cersei Lannister a fair chance. They were against her from the start, so we …

TV Series

List: TMB4TM (Text Messages Before Text Messaging)

<b>WAFU</b> – what a feudal lord<b>TY4YT</b> – thank you for your telegram<b>GTGLMOL</b> – got to go light my oil lamp<b>OMVOTG</b> – oh my vengeful old testament god<b>OMWBSLTWU</b> – …

Messaging

You’re Invited to Our Destination Wedding Atop the Delaware Sized Iceberg That Just Broke Off the Larsen-C Ice Shelf!

Hi Friend, Family Member, or Obligation,You are cordially invited to our destination wedding. We’ve finally found somewhere that’s really special and …

Antarctica
Forestry

Call for Submissions to the Lascaux Artist Colony

Calling all cave painters! Apply today for the world’s first artist colony in the Lascaux caves of beautiful southwestern France.In our fast-paced …

Art

List: Wellness Blog Homepage Mad Libs

The [<i>Number</i>] Things [<i>Adjective</i>] People Never DoIs [<i>Adjective</i>] Water Really as Healthy as [<i>Adjective</i>] Water?Heal Your Hangover With This [<i>Noun</i>]-Rich …

Wellness

Hi, I’ll Be Your Waiter Interrupting a Really Hard Conversation

“Hi! I’m Donovan! I’ll be your waiter interrupting a really hard conversation tonight! Have you two been to Wild Oats before? You have? You just want …

Self-help

Why I’m Leaving My Job at the Illuminati and Joining the Trump Administration

Friends:<p>When I first joined the Illuminati, I thought I’d work here forever.<p>I love orchestrating global financial events and mass media coverage in a …

Donald Trump

Welcome to Our Startup Where Everyone is 23 Years Old Because We Believe Old People Are Visually Displeasing and Out of Ideas

<i>Our 5th most read article of the year.<br>(Originally published July 5, 2017.)</i>- - -Hello, and welcome to our startup. We hope you’re enjoying your …

Employment

FAQ for Men Who Just Discovered Apologizing

<b>What is that apologizing thing?</b><br>Apologizing is something that’s done when you’re wrong or have caused harm to someone. It’s like a “my bad” without …

Positive Thinking

List: Errors in Communication Between My Hairdresser and Me, in the Form of What I Said and What He Heard

“Just a little off the length, and a little thinned out?”<p>“Could you make me look like a clown’s apprentice?”<p>“A little shorter, thanks.”<p>“I want the …