Matthew Schweikert

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Trump’s Slurred Speech Tied to Low Battery in Putin’s Remote

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J.Trump slurred his speech during his announcement about Jerusalem on Wednesday because of “low-battery issues” with Vladimir Putin’s remote, the White House said on Friday.<p>Speaking to the White House press corps, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, …

Holocaust denier Ursula Haverbeck, 88, given six-month jail sentence

A Berlin court has sentenced serial Holocaust denier Ursula Haverbeck to six months in jail for denying the Nazis' extermination of Jews. She has …

Israel

Premier League misery rankings 25th anniversary edition: Which side's fans have suffered the most since 1992?

You may have heard that it's the 25th anniversary of the Premier League this season.<p>And you may have read/watched/ignored plenty of best …

Soccer

The first ever Premier League's 22 teams... 25 years on: Where are they now?

NBA Free Agency 2017: 5 offseason needs for the Charlotte Hornets

The Charlotte Hornets are a work in progress. In their fourth year under Coach Steve Clifford, the Hornets finished 36-46 on the season. Here are …

NBA

Ranking the 20 Most In-Demand Free Agents in Europe This Summer

As the summer transfer window edges ever closer, teams across Europe will be finalising their plans for the market and identifying targets who can improve their XIs.<p>One of the first columns checked is always the free-agent one; any player who can be secured for nothing come July and save you …

Premier League predictions: Who'll finish second, and who's going down?

While Chelsea are on course to win this season's Premier League title, there is plenty of uncertainty further down the table.<p>We asked our reporters to how the top six will finish and who will be relegated to the Championship. Here's how they answered:<p>John Percy<p>Chelsea<br>• Spurs<br>• Manchester …

The Evolution of Justin Jackson

I can’t say I recognize this version of Justin Jackson, the 2017 ACC Player of the Year and Wooden Award finalist. I’d long gotten used to catching …

MLB Position Power Rankings: B/R's Top 30 Shortstops

The shortstop revolution is in full swing.<p>Xander Bogaerts, Francisco Lindor, Carlos Correa, Addison Russell, Corey Seager, Trea Turner and Dansby Swanson have taken the major leagues by storm in recent seasons, and there's plenty more talent in the pipeline with J.P. Crawford, Amed Rosario, Gleyber …

Amed Rosario

The Biggest Emerging MLB Star at Every Position Entering 2017

From Mike Trout to Miguel Cabrera to Clayton Kershaw and many more, Major League Baseball isn't hurting for established stars. And the ranks are swelling every year.<p>Which poses the question: Who's next?<p>We have a few ideas, and we're going to act on them by rounding up the biggest emerging stars at …

NBA
NFL

Premier League top six team of the season - and it's not great news for Arsenal and Man Utd

Premier League or Championship? We asked fans of the yo-yo clubs which they prefer

Every season, the same storyline. As the Championship campaign reaches its climax, two teams on the brink of glory head to Wembley for "The Richest Game in Football".<p>Triumph in the play-off final and the riches of the Premier League shall be yours. Television money, glamour matches against the best …

Sporting Intelligence ranking of highest paid sports teams in the world 2016

Barcelona make the list — but in what position?Nick Potts EMPICS Sport<p>Sports data and analysis website Sporting Intelligence recently released its annual Global Sports Salary Survey, looking at the highest paid sports teams around the world in 2016.<p>The report looks at the "average first-team pay" …

NBA

One burning question facing each NBA team heading into 2016-17 season

Are the Warriors actually too good? How much defense is enough in Houston? Buckle up ...<p>Which musician's face will Kevin Durant get tattooed on his …

NBA
College Sports

5 Undrafted Free Agents to Watch in 2016-17 NBA Training Camp

Not all NBA careers begin the same way.<p>For some, the path to a guaranteed paycheck and role starts on draft night. Others aren't so lucky. They go unselected—missing out on even the slightest security that comes with being a second-round pick—and begin chasing a roster spot.<p>Most of these players …

Gene Wilder Dies at 83; Star of ‘Willy Wonka’ and ‘Young Frankenstein’

Gene Wilder, who established himself as one of America’s foremost comic actors with his delightfully neurotic performances in three films directed by Mel Brooks; his eccentric star turn in the family classic “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”; and his winning chemistry with Richard Pryor in …

John Terry Was Made a Pariah by the FA and Owes England Nothing

Here we go again. A new England manager replaces a failed regime, and as he bids to lead the country into a new era, it's John Terry who still dominates the conversation.<p>According to reports, Sam Allardyce had given serious consideration to including the Chelsea captain in his first Three Lions …

2016 Fantasy Football Preseason Takeaway: Pondering the Panthers WRs

Kelvin Benjamin looked like his old self against the Titans, but he played just nine snaps. Is the bigger concern his conditioning or the emergence …

Devin Funchess

The Man Charged With Starting a 4,000-Acre Wildfire

Investigators say Damin Pashilk started the Clayton fire and several other wildfires from last year.<p><b>NEWS BRIEF</b> A California man was arrested and charged in connection with starting a wildfire that has scorched 4,000 acres, destroyed 175 buildings, and displaced more than 1,500 people.<p>The Lake …

Wildfires
John McDonnell
Crime
Basketball

I.O.C. Forces Russians to Prove They Have a Drug-Free Past

Olympic officials said on Sunday that all Russian athletes were tainted by the country’s state-run doping system and would not be allowed to compete in the Summer Games unless they convinced individual sports federations of their innocence.<p>With just 12 days before the Games begin, the International …

Australian Dropbears defeat US team to win Quidditch World Cup

The third global championship in ‘muggle’ version of JK Rowling’s airborne team game draws 21 national teams to Frankfurt contest<p>In a magical turn of events, Australia won the Quidditch World Cup – a sport inspired by the game played by Harry Potter – after defeating the US team in Frankfurt on …

Airplanes

Minnesota United FC make awesome video spoofing their goalie after his horrific own goal went viral

Sammy Ndjock is the goalie for Minnesota United FC, a second-division North American Soccer League team moving up to MLS next season.<p>On Thursday, Ndjock saw his popularity rise, albeit for an unfortunate reason, after a video of his horrible own goal from a Wednesday night game went viral.<p>In the …

North American Soccer League